I AM COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND.
Q. I am completely totally in love with my best friend's boyfriend. He knows I'm alive-we talk a lot and joke around-but he's totally in love with her. What should I do?
A. The question is not what you should do, but why you have chosen to like a guy who is unavailable. Some girls think that love "just happens" -and if it's with the wrong guy, they can't help it. But the reality is that whether it's conscious or unconscious, we do choose and have control over which guys we fall for and pursue. When we select a guy who is available, we are willing to risk possible heartache for the sake of love. If we're emotionally healthy and the risk doesn't pay off, we know we can always pick ourselves up after the pain and find someone better.
However, if you choose a guy who's unavailable because he's with someone else, the risks are obviously far greater-you risk hurting yourself, your friend and the guy. So why go there in the first place? Perhaps you envy your friend because she's attached to someone nice, and you have a crush on him because you long for someone special too. Clearly, that's a poor choice.
Another possible reason is you're so afraid of getting hurt, you select someone unavailable because he'll probably never get the opportunity to hurt you. By choosing someone who cannot be yours, you mask your fear by telling yourself, "Hey, I'm capable of loving-I 'just happened' to go for the guy who's in love with my friend."
A third reason girls choose guys they're unlikely to get is because they're really not ready for a boyfriend. Say you picked someone as unattainable as a rock star-you'd still have the luxury of fantasizing about someone, and that in itself feels good. Focusing on a friend's guy is a little closer to home: If he breaks up with her, he's more likely than the suddenly single Brad Pitt to go for you.
The final and saddest reason a girl might choose a guy who's with someone else is to prove her power. Lacking self-esteem, this girl will try to entice a boy to dump another girl for her. This is an uncool situation-the girl will inevitably lose her friend, and how much trust could be involved between her and the guy? Not much. Especially since a guy who's quick to leave someone for you will undoubtedly leave you for someone else in time. Is that the kind of guy you want? Besides, what goes around comes around: Stealing a guy away from your best friend may come back to haunt you when your next best friend steals a guy away from you.
So in answer to your question, my advice is to "do" nothing about your crush. Keep your friendship with both of them, pursue a guy you can have something real with and, most importantly, remind yourself you're good enough to get the whole cake, not someone else's crumbs.